So there I was. The center of attention at the Women’s Detention Center in Chowchilla, California better known as the Valley State Prison for Women. It was career day and I was asked to attend to speak with approximately 2,400 “residents” and let them know that there is work after prison.

 

As I entered the prison’s visitor’s center with my program flyers in my trusty office depot cart, I take in a few deep breathes and replay my mantra in my head, “I’m to pretty for prison, I’m to pretty for prison, I’m…..”

 

I hand over my identification card over to the correctional officer and he verifies that I have authorization to be there. I put my cart on the counter and he tells to remove any and all metal objects from my person prior to entering the enormous walk through metal detector. So, off goes my ring, keys and wallet. I walk through and immediately the sound of the detector alerts everyone that I failed this simple task of removing any and all metal from my person. Second attempt, off goes my belt (metal buckle), third attempt off goes my Chuck Taylor shoes (metal eyelets). Fourth time is a go.

 

I find my table, I set up camp and set out my colored flyers and prepare my game face. As the first wave of women walk in I start to feel a little out of place. Last thing I want to happen is disrespect some lady’s number one and get shanked. The table next to me could see that I was a newbie and informed me that they were lifers and they would keep an eye on me. Yeah, I feel better knowing that.

 

Now the visiting room was buzzing with activity and I could see every color of the rainbow swarming to my table. I see tall, short, bald and heavily tattooed women making a bee line towards me. I muster up my best half smile and stammer, “good morning ladies.” Several responded with their best Joey Tribbiani impression, “how you doin?”

 

One young lady approached my table bearing a full neck tattoo and asked me if there were any jobs available for me as she pointed to the gang tattoo on her neck. I told her certainly, but you could probably rule out any customer service related job.

 

There were a total of four different housing units filtered through and the fourth group was by far the most how do I say, “animated.” As I was talking to a small group I felt a hand on my keester and thought wow, how brazen trying to take my wallet. I then realized that my wallet was in the other pocket and that she just grabbed my butt.

 

As I departed from the prison I thought it was a good day, a very good day indeed.