Food Poisoning
Hometown Buffet. If you want to lose weight then by all means please stop by for a spell. You will also receive a full body workout from the violent shivers and shakes while you purge your body of every known liquids you have ever digested.
Crap.
Next Fireworks Show
Prison Adventure
So there I was. The center of attention at the Women’s Detention Center in Chowchilla, California better known as the Valley State Prison for Women. It was career day and I was asked to attend to speak with approximately 2,400 “residents” and let them know that there is work after prison.
As I entered the prison’s visitor’s center with my program flyers in my trusty office depot cart, I take in a few deep breathes and replay my mantra in my head, “I’m to pretty for prison, I’m to pretty for prison, I’m…..”
I hand over my identification card over to the correctional officer and he verifies that I have authorization to be there. I put my cart on the counter and he tells to remove any and all metal objects from my person prior to entering the enormous walk through metal detector. So, off goes my ring, keys and wallet. I walk through and immediately the sound of the detector alerts everyone that I failed this simple task of removing any and all metal from my person. Second attempt, off goes my belt (metal buckle), third attempt off goes my Chuck Taylor shoes (metal eyelets). Fourth time is a go.
I find my table, I set up camp and set out my colored flyers and prepare my game face. As the first wave of women walk in I start to feel a little out of place. Last thing I want to happen is disrespect some lady’s number one and get shanked. The table next to me could see that I was a newbie and informed me that they were lifers and they would keep an eye on me. Yeah, I feel better knowing that.
Now the visiting room was buzzing with activity and I could see every color of the rainbow swarming to my table. I see tall, short, bald and heavily tattooed women making a bee line towards me. I muster up my best half smile and stammer, “good morning ladies.” Several responded with their best Joey Tribbiani impression, “how you doin?”
One young lady approached my table bearing a full neck tattoo and asked me if there were any jobs available for me as she pointed to the gang tattoo on her neck. I told her certainly, but you could probably rule out any customer service related job.
There were a total of four different housing units filtered through and the fourth group was by far the most how do I say, “animated.” As I was talking to a small group I felt a hand on my keester and thought wow, how brazen trying to take my wallet. I then realized that my wallet was in the other pocket and that she just grabbed my butt.
As I departed from the prison I thought it was a good day, a very good day indeed.
Fighting with myself
Growing up I didn’t have the ability to express my true feelings on subjects that where either close to my heart or just plain bothered me. As a young boy I stayed pretty neutral on things because I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. I was that kind of kid that wanted to please everybody yet deep down inside I wanted answers to questions.
Every so often being the good kid I acted out around my brothers just so I would be punished, but those were far and few between. My siblings were always being told, “Wait till your father gets home” and my dad would punish them for their [crimes]. When it was my turn to go and get his belt I was both afraid and some what excited that I was breaking the good boy title I had desperately and carefully built.
Now as an adult I work so very hard at having a bad boy image at work while still trying hard to be the overachiever and being recognized for doing a great job. Is this what we [guys] do, or are we just nuts to even care what others think?
There’s a blogger here on tBlog that I call a friend and we have different points of view on both politics and religion but he’s still a friend. I don’t have the need or desire to try and convert him to my way of thinking. Why should I?
He always closes with, “Be good to everyone.” And I would like to modify it and say, ‘Be good to family and friends” because they’re the ones that’s going to be changing my man diapers when my mind slips away.
Thanks for listening.
meme - copied from pirategirl
What time is it;
7:50 PM. (PST)
What's your full name
SquirrelZone the fun loving nut gathering one foot hoping savage beast that loves to wear his funtowear underwear.
What are you most afraid of;
Mrs. Squirrel.
What is the most recent movie that you have seen on bootleg
hmmm.... "bootleg"??! That would be white lighting back in joja (Georgia).
Place of birth;
Momma Squirrel's Womb.
Favorite food;
Nuts, I love me some nuts and I only share with the female persaution.
What's your natural hair color;
Ruddy, helloooo, I'm a squirrel.
Ever been to Freak Nick;
No, but my imaginary friend Steve knows some squirrels of the evening.
Ever been skinny dipping
Of course, I usually only wear my funtowears.
Love someone so much they made you cry
Yes, they stepped on my nuts.
Been in a car accident;
Note of caution, don't let Steve drive when he's mad.
Croutons or bacon bits
Nuts.
Favorite day of the week;
Everyday with Mrs Squirrel (RAWR).
Favorite restaurant;
El Nute' - spicey nuts.
Favorite Flower;
An Oak sapling.
Favorite sport to watch;
Nut-capades
Favorite drink;
Nutella.
Favorite ice cream;
Peanutbutter!
Warner Brothers/Disney &nbs p;
Disney ( um - duh )
Ever been on a ship;
No, but I've played battleship.
What color is your bedroom carpet;
No carpets, leaves.
How many times did you fail your driver's test;
Driver's test? I have a license to thrill. One look at my nuts and you'd see.
Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail;
I have squirrel mail.
What do you do when you are bored;
Mrs. Squirrel asks me to serve her nuts and of course I can't resist her squirrelly ways.
What is Bedtime;
Half past a monkeys ass a quarter to his nuts. (That sounds terrible)
Who will respond to this the quickest;
Hmmmmm
Who will least likely respond;
I not know.
Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses;
Mine
Favorite TV shows;
Most shocking nuts.
Last person you went to dinner with;
Mrs. Squirrel
Park or Zoo;
Park of course, more places to share my nuts.
What are your favorite colors;
Brown, tan, black, ivory....the color of my nuts.
How many tattoos do you have;
I have many tags.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg;
It depends on the price of the wine.
What do you want to do before you die;
Get another nut.
Have you ever been to Hawaii;
Wanted to but something was said about a six month quarantine.
Have you been to countries outside the U.S.;
Yes
How many people are you sending this to?
I'm posting it between my nuts.
Time this survey ended
8:15PM. (PST)
19 Day Progress Report
It's been 19 days since the doc dropped the D (diabetes) bomb on me and the progress has been good.
I've lost eighteen pounds, changed my diet drastically and have been more active. I feel absolutely marvelous.
I went to a palates class with my wife this past Monday and the instructor whom I call the Gustapo watch dog hurt me badly. As I left the hour long class I could not help myself and chanted an Army saying in front of the class.........Thank you ma'am for conditioning my mind and body, feel free to do so at any time........hoo'YA!
I'm sore, feeling good and I think I'm gonna like the new me. My wife does.
Tonight it's tennis........
Anniversary
Say it isn't so
Today I morn the loss of a good companion who has been at my side as long as I can remember. She stayed with me during the good times and the bad. Many nights she stayed up with me when the world didn’t make any sense. When I quit smoking she was right there helping me through my cravings when the patch and the gum wasn’t enough. Then I quit drinking and she fed me sugar to ease my shaking hands and to calm my headaches. I believed in her and in return she made me feel complete.
Our friendship seemed to blossom in the last couple of years and now I must turn my back on her for she has done me wrong. She took my love and squashed it and I can’t forgive her for that.
I could blame it on myself or my lifestyle, or on the stressors of life, the death of my father, the excuses are many. She was going to remain nameless but I feel I must bring her to the light of day. She has many names and can be found lingering on the lips of many throughout the world. Man, woman and child have fell victim by her touch and yet she is free to destroy at her discretion.
Her name is pizza, chimichunga, cheeseburger, pasta, rice, potato and it goes on……So, like millions of other people I have been afflicted with diabetes. No longer am I able to dance with the gooey goodness of deserts, complex carbohydrates and or fast foods. Say goodbye to the nightly ice cream and the See’s chocolates.
I curse you DIABETES!
I was diagnosed with diabetes this past Friday and the news hit me pretty hard. On the good side for the past couple of days I have eaten a lot healthier and I do feel better.
To be honest I miss the soft caress of my comfort foods lingering on my lips.
Narcissism – A 12 Step Program **Revisited
I'm knocking the dust off of an old post in the hopes that it will be enjoyed by the masses. Comments are welcome...........
After much thinking, I have discovered that we as a society have way too many self help and self discovery programs. Be that as it may, it is with self adoration that I have come up with my own type of program. A Narcissistic 12 stepper if you will, but in reverse. We begin with step number Twelve and work our way to step number One. Each step completed is a step closer to self fulfillment and self- importance.
My program is designed with me in mind and I will allow you into my world as long as you understand that. I am in many ways helping you help me with my obsessive compulsive disorder known as narcissism. The Internet defines this disorder as:
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable
treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
By me illustrating this behavior I am hopefully helping you break the narcissistic plague that has cropped up in our American Society. Here are the 12 steps to Narcissism as designed by me; Kenneth Ketterman, your admiration is expected.
The book (Pamphlet) that I have written clearly defines each step; it is unique in a sense because it begins with chapter 12 and descends to chapter 1 which is the holy grail of the whole subject. Narcissism may not be cured, yet it is my belief that it can be humbled.
Note: If you have noticed that I have been switching back and forth from helping you to perfecting the narcissistic lifestyle it because I am fighting my own narcissistic enemy within.
Chapters
12. Pompous
11. Demanding Admiration
10. Lacking Empathy
9. Self-importance
8. Conceited
7. Selfish
6. Egocentric
5. Embellishing Achievements
4. Self-absorbed
3. Arrogance
2. Grandeur
1. Narcissism
That's all I need
I had all but given up on one of those new fangled networking sites that is strangely similar to myspace for finding old high school friends or making new ones. I was pleasantly surprised yesterday to discover an old high school friend had found me on that very site.
It amazes me that I have spent a good portion of my life in careers that for the most part helps people. A civil servant if you will, I have detained people, arrested and subsequently locked up some not so nice people. I have trained military working dogs to deter, detect and apprehend those that society has labeled as bad boys. I’ve confiscated large, very large quantity of drugs both on our borders as well as airports. I’ve been an animal control officer and even an armed security guard. I’ve had to rely on my ability to recall facts, situations or events in order to be successful at my job….the facts ma’am, nothing but the facts.
Throughout all my years of training and learned experiences I have to admit that I have the worst childhood memory. I often think that I surly must have been abducted by space aliens and to this day my heart skips a beat whenever I see Lost in Space reruns…….”Danger Will Robinson, Danger.”
It’s been roughly twenty seven years since we hung out. We’d ditch classes in high school and cruise in his sweet Camero blasting AC/DC and drinking Michelob’s while checking out the girls at the beach. Twenty seven years, twenty seven years, where did it all go?
I’ve always wondered what happened to him and now that I have an opportunity to ask I’m not sure how too.
I’m 42 years old and I don’t have any man friends that I can go to a hockey game with or tell lewd or discriminative jokes too. Just me and my computer, that’s all I need and maybe this paper weight, that’s all I need.
Or is it.
Pyro Seminar 2008
Each year we have a training seminar that covers the regulatory aspect of transporting hazardous materials, filling out government mandated paperwork, new product and of course safe handling practices. The crust of the seminar is making sure you do what you need to do to keep ATF and state government officials from making our lives a living hell.
Yeah I know, I'm to pretty to go to prison.
The training is put on by Pyro Spectaculars, a huge fireworks company that has been in business for five generations. If interested please check out their web site at:
Anywho, bring it on back......time for me to drop a name just to build my own self worth. I received a letter of recommendation today from a very well respected man in the pyro and filming industry (JT Combs). He does special effects and you may have seen his work on the movie; Ladder 49. When I got his recommendation it made me feel all squishy inside, I came so close to throwing my boxers at him.......he's a legend of rock star proportion.
We were going to setup and fire of some fireworks for the newbies but the weather took a turn for the worse. Now, I'm back at home relaxing and I feel like I'm about to come down with a cold.........
Life is good, love is beautiful and fireworks makes me tingle.
Missing In Action......so to speak
It's been a while since I've put pen to paper so to speak. My case load has been increasing to the point that it sometimes feels like I'm spinning my wheels without making much progress other then leaving skid marks under my seat. With each new client that walks in, your's truly has to reach in his bag of many tricks to pull out pom poms and the "go get 'em speech" that will hopefull drive them to find a job instead of into your livingroom to steal your stuff.
I was sitting with a young lady, she had the battle scars of a long time meth addiction. She was bound and determined that this time was the last time and that her prison number was being retired after she completed parole. Of course, being an addict she has children of her own in and out of the foster care which is another sad case. The topic of education came up and she wanted to know if home schooling was a viable option for her kids instead of sticking them into a classroom and being forgotten about. I told her that I am a strong supporter of home schooling. I went on to say that I was home schooled for a short time until I was caught sleeping with the teacher.
Now that I got that out of the way, the reason for the road flare, 6 inch shell and a shot of me hand firing is that I have a strong itch to light off some high grade fireworks.
Merry Christmas
Picture of Yosemite
Yosemite - Simply Beautiful
Yosemite California, even with all of the tourists it is still a unique and beautiful national park. From it's snowcap to its multitudes of lakes, streams and creeks, the hype lives up to it's name. Our little weekend get away was perfect, sitting just over 8,000 feet above sea level the cool crisp air greeted us at every unobstructed turn on the mountainous road. Being literally so close to the edge that a 1000 foot drop into the many different valleys is enough to send your senses and mind into a panic. On one hand the view is simply amazing and on the other sheer terror at least for me. My mind creating most of the chaos and un-nerving feeling that the slightest turn of the wheel, oncoming traffic or even a blowout would send us off the side of the road. Yet, with each turn out or stop that we made, we held hands walking into the unknown exploring the giant redwood trees squirrels dancing and running aloof. The beauty touches your soul and at that moment we felt renewed and energized. I took my young brides' chin in my hand, kissed her and devoted my life to making her happy.
*I will put some pictures up as soon as I format them.............
Yosemite National Park
The wife and I are heading up to Yosemite tonight for the weekend. I little excape from the day to day. We'll be living the simple life in a little cabin without a television or telephone.
For some of you that get this, I'll be wearing my most favoritest pair of funtowear underwear that only the coolest of the cool squirrels can only get away with it. And of course it is in a lovely shade of yellow.
So, if you don't here from me in a couple of days you'll understand. I'm off to pack away my nuts, chew toys and my favorite funtowears.
Shhhhhh
Hatred
My Costume For The Par-Tay
I'm going undercover and I think I can fool the ones that walk upright........I know, a diabolical plan.
Cancer
My sister-in-law went into the hospital this past friday. Her doctor said the c-word and that he had scheduled her to go to surgery. She had the surgery yesterday and what should have taken 3 hours took 6. During the surgery the doctor tried to remove the cancer but there was just to much. They removed portions of her abdominal lining, intestines, colon, and they found it around one of the heart valves. She's going to be hospitalized for another two weeks and will begin aggressive chemo therapy in 10 days.
All prayers will be welcomed and appreciated. The wife and I will be traveling down and God willing the California fires won't get in the way.
We, the wife and I have been sick and the news have really crushed me. It's been a real bad year. The passing of my Dad through cancer, the devastating injuries to my cousin, the death of his wife. A motorcycle accident with another cousin. It goes on and Lord knows I need strength and help.
It's Official
Uranus........
I find myself after a long day at work driving home lost in deep deep thought. I set my truck….1500 Dodge Ram on auto-pilot and begin to think up some off the wall things.
Example:
& nbsp; &n bsp; A proctologist or a Doctor. You be the judge….
“I can see rings around Uranus.”
Or
“May I cut in and ‘Google’ Uranus?”
My fifteen minute drive home is spent cracking myself up. It beats the alternative to actually paying attention to my driving.
My Take on Things Post 9/11
Squirrel Notes
Ready to Pounce
It's Sunday morning and I'm just hanging around waiting for the right opportunity to spring into action. Mrs squirrel has a long list of honey dos for me to accomplish this morning.....I'd rather take her by the hand and we can go off for the day and escape from the day to day worries.
I do however need more coffee........
